Thing ONE

It’s 6:47, in the morning, and I’m about to smash leftover pizza and chips. I didn’t even go out last night. This is an entirely sober decision.

I am clearly an adult who is making #smartlifechoices.

 

Thing TWO

So, I definitely think I need a better opening line for when I am soliciting conversations with men on Bumble, which is an online dating site. Clearly, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ just isn’t doing it, as I have had at least five guys who have deleted and /or not responded to me at all. Hahahha

Anyone got any good opening liners I can steal?

—–>My friend suggested that I use the line, “Hey good looking, what’s cooking?”

I was deleted by the guy within an hour.

 

Thing THREE

Last night I had a dream that all of my teeth fell out of my head, my gums were sliding off, and that I had to carry my teeth around in a newspaper. All the while, some seven year old was chasing me around a parking lot at Sears!

So I am pretty sure that is not normal.

 

Thing FOUR

I am pretty confident that my dog is trying to kill me slowly, via sleep deprivation.

If this is her plan, she is succeeding-wildly.

Thing FIVE

Is anyone else watching AHS, My Roanoke Nightmare?

So far, the thing I am most confused about is how easily the damn wallpaper which is supposed to be ancient is peeling off that freaking wall, which is hiding the letters

M U R D E

Like, wtf?

I’m Pretty sure that this IS the most unrealistic thing that has happened in the entire series.

Am I right?
#ahs #roanoke

 

Thing SIX

Apparently, I do an amazing Carlton. If you do not get the reference, you never will.

 

The last thing you didn’t want to know I was thinking, but now you know…

I am currently sitting on my living room floor, pounding a glass of wine, watching ‘P.S. I Love You’ for one reason and one reason only…I needed a really good fucking cry. Like, I am in desperate need of a straight up tear fest. I have been yearning for this moment all day, and I’ll be damned if I don’t produce  some salty waterworks for my dog to lick off of my face this evening.

And, we are five minutes into the movie and I am already balling.

#success

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements