Thing ONE

It’s 6:47, in the morning, and I’m about to smash leftover pizza and chips. I didn’t even go out last night. This is an entirely sober decision.

I am clearly an adult who is making #smartlifechoices.

 

Thing TWO

So, I definitely think I need a better opening line for when I am soliciting conversations with men on Bumble, which is an online dating site. Clearly, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ just isn’t doing it, as I have had at least five guys who have deleted and /or not responded to me at all. Hahahha

Anyone got any good opening liners I can steal?

—–>My friend suggested that I use the line, “Hey good looking, what’s cooking?”

I was deleted by the guy within an hour.

 

Thing THREE

Last night I had a dream that all of my teeth fell out of my head, my gums were sliding off, and that I had to carry my teeth around in a newspaper. All the while, some seven year old was chasing me around a parking lot at Sears!

So I am pretty sure that is not normal.

 

Thing FOUR

I am pretty confident that my dog is trying to kill me slowly, via sleep deprivation.

If this is her plan, she is succeeding-wildly.

Thing FIVE

Is anyone else watching AHS, My Roanoke Nightmare?

So far, the thing I am most confused about is how easily the damn wallpaper, which is supposed to be ancient, is peeling off that freaking wall, which is hiding the letters

M U R D E

Like, wtf?

I’m Pretty sure that this IS the most unrealistic thing that has happened in the entire series.

Am I right?
#ahs #roanoke

 

Thing SIX

Apparently, I do an amazing Carlton. If you do not get the reference, we shan’t be friends.

 

 

The last thing you didn’t want to know I was thinking, but now you know…

I am currently sitting on my living room floor, pounding a glass of wine, watching ‘P.S. I Love You’ for one reason and one reason only…I needed a really good fucking cry. Like, I am in desperate need of a straight up tear fest. I have been yearning for this moment all day, and I’ll be damned if I don’t produce  some salty waterworks for my dog to lick off of my face this evening.

And, folks, we are five minutes into the movie and popcorn sized, salty af, teardrops are dripping away.

#success

 

 

 

 

 

 

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