The Postpartum Break Up Recipe

Over the past few years, I have become somewhat of a sounding board for my girlfriends, co-workers and family members who have gone through heart breaking separations from their significant others. After having a very tumultuous, on-and-off, relationship with my ex for almost eight years, I can truly relate to my grieving counterparts. In fact, I have had so many people reach out to me over the years for guidance and advice during their break-ups that I basically consider myself “The Break Up Expert” and I have created what I like to a call “The Postpartum Break Up Recipe”. The recipe contains, what I have found, to be the most efficient ways to try to move forward with your life after a break up.


Of course, I am sure that many of my findings can also be discovered in any Cosmopolitan magazine or self help book, but trust me when I tell you that I have actually been there. The pain is real. The crying is gut wrenching. The tears are whale sized. The tissues become the sea, for which the whales now belong. Not a single friend of family member has the magical words that will ease the feelings of despair, or even bring your appetite back to life, for that matter. And, as you lay there, on the floor, or in your bed, crying alone…the only thing you want is that one person, the one you love, to come back and tell you that everything will be okay, even though deep down in your gut you know that he or she is not coming back. But, trust me when I say that everything will be okay again–it will.

Everything will be okay again because you are going to get your ass out of bed. You are going to eat again and your fucking appetite for food, and men, will be insatiable. And, you are going to laugh, laugh really fucking hard…I promise. Just follow a few of my simple rules!


Postpartum Break Up Recipe 

The recipe must be followed exactly according to directions if one wishes to achieve the most optimal results.

Step One: Cry, Let It the Fuck Out

Do you remember that exact moment that you and your ex broke up? That moment when you swallowed your stomach? Yeah? Me too. That is the first moment when you realized that you are going to be alone. The first moment that you realized that your life is going to change drastically moving forward. It sucks. So, now what?

So…now you fucking cry, let it out. The best release for a break up is allowing yourself to feel the pain. Crying, for me, is one of the most therapeutic ways to release the anger from within. Even if you are a guy, I firmly give you permission to just let it out. Breaking up with someone, or having someone break up with you, is awful. Just release those tears, let the sadness flow out of you like fountain of chocolate on a hot summer day. Purge yourself of all the emotions running through your body. Later, you will want to vocalize all of those pent up feelings that you are keeping inside to your friends and/or family and you will not want to sound like you are drowning in those whale sized tears. You will need to keep your head above water because the next step will involve you taking a deep breathe of positivity in, and a exhaling a huge FUCK YOU.

Step Two: Take a Deep Breath, Talk About It

After the feelings of total sadness subsides and the black hole that you have been momentarily spinning inside of throws you out, you will need to take a deep breath and talk about it. Or, if you are like me, you will want to scream about it. After a break up, you will need to talk to your friends about how you are feeling, or actually just talk to anyone who will listen, for that matter. People understand what you are going through. We have all been in a position where we have had to crush someone’s soul, or have had our hearts walked all over by someone we loved. I do not care if you are a hottie like Brad Pitt, we have all been emotionally hurt by a loved one. Everyone has gone through a traumatic break up during the course of a dating lifetime and talking about those feelings is the key to successfully moving forward.

Talking to others, especially those who love and support you most, will not only validate your feelings, but they will almost always make an effort to point out how amazing you are as a person. This will, no doubt, bring a partial smile back to your sobbing face. And, even better than the half smile, remember one crucial thing: misery loves company. I guarantee that someone will want to share their equally miserable story with you too, which will make you feel a little less lonely.

Step Three: Text Your Friends

The feeling of loneliness after a break up, in my opinion, is by far the worst aspect of separating ways with someone you love. Who will I text? Who will I eat dinner with? Who will hang out with me on Saturday night? Who is going to laugh at me when I say something stupid? Feeling like you have no one to turn to during a break up is absolutely soul crushing. As if it was not bad enough that the person you love(d), tells you that he or she doesn’t want to be with you any longer, you now feel like you do not have a single friend within a 100 mile distance to call. However, you absolutely do!

After my ex and I broke up, I had friends and family who came out of the deepest parts of hidden lands to support me during my time of need. I know you have this too. When my ex and I broke up, I called a friend who I had not spoken with in months because we were fighting. All it took was one call to tell my friend what I was going though and before I knew it the two of us were eating pizza together in her new apartment, just like old times. Since then, we have continued to grow our relationship, which actually made me grateful for my ex and I splitting.

My point is that if you are feeling the urge to text, call, or see the one person who just caused you monumental pain, reach out to someone else! Other people want to be there for you. People love to feel needed, so it is okay to be needy. That is what friends are for-support. Someday they will need you too, so let them give you the support you need. Trust me, you do not want to be the person who initiates the first text, call, or attempt at hanging out, after being let go from the someone’s life. The person who should be attempting to make plans with you is the jerk who JUST broke your heart and left you for an emotional death. When you are in a state of utter fucking loneliness do not hesitate to text your friends and tell them how angry you are at that jerk!

Step Four: Go Ahead, Get Mad!

Yeah, that is right! The person who you love, just tore out your heart, stomped all over it, and threw it in the trash. That person who you have told your deepest secrets to, shared your dreams with, and thought that you would spend the rest of your life with, just stole your future from you with just seven little words, “I think we should take a break”.

Who the cuss word does he (or she) think he (or she) is…telling me, “We need to take a break”?

Seriously, it is okay to  be mad at the person who you thought you loved more than anything. After all, this person probably knows more about you than anyone else. And, this person has all of this juicy information on you because you told him or her because, let’s be honest, you trusted this person. Being angry is normal and you have every right to be really fucking angry. When my ex and I broke up, I drop kicked a gift he purchased for me because I was so infuriated when I saw him on a date with another woman only eight days after our split. Obviously, violence is not an appropriate way to unleash the “Emotional Beast of Anger”, as I like to call it, but I do not regret breaking that damn present. In fact, it felt amazing when I imagined his face planted all over it when it violently smashed against my dorm room wall.

Let that anger out, maybe not with violence, but rather with a really loud and fulfilling scream in your car. Then call up your friends. You know, those friends that you did not think you had because you felt insanely lonely? Call them. It is time to fucking paint the town RED!

Step Five:  Following the Doctor’s Orders

Going out for a night with your friends is exactly what any smart doctor would prescribe, especially after some miserable jerk tore out your heart and sold it to the lowest bidder. You need to call your closest friends and demand that drinking cocktails and scoping out hotties should commence immediately. You need to tell your friends that the fictional “doctor” who you saw earlier that day, wrote you a very real prescription for a bomb ass time out. Listen, even if you don’t want to go out yourself, you need to do it. Trust me, I get it. Who would want to go out after not showering for seven days on end, after solely eating saltine crackers for two weeks, and having a face that looked like it has just been freshly pruned from Dwight Shrute’s Beet Garden after weeks of endless crying?


However, if you think that your ex is sitting at home crying over you and the separation of ways that he or she initiated, you have been highly misinformed. Your ex is out having fun, trying to forget about the pain, and attempting to get laid. You need to be doing the same thing, minus getting laid. Seriously though, you should be out and making some amazing new memories with your friends. With that being said, if there is any hope that you and your ex actually will get back together, going out with your pals has never been more important because you are about be an INDEPENDENT PERSON once again.

Step Six: Reestablish Your Independence

Listen to me, and listen clearly: If there is even a shot that you and your ex may get back together, you need to reestablish your independence. If you ask me, half the reason that so many relationships end is because one person becomes too dependent on his or her partner. Somewhere along the way, someone in the relationship usually starts to use his or her significant other as his or her sole reason to be happy-not healthy. So, when I say go out, go out and get that damn independence back!

Spend a night with your friends flirting with people at the bar, forget about your ex, enjoy a few adult bevvy’s (but not too many), take pictures of yourself having fun, post those pictures all over social media, give out your number, go on a blind date with your friend’s friend, and just have fun. When your ex realizes that he or she chose to give up such a precious commodity, and there is a higher bidder at the table, he or she WILL want you back…I promise. And, if you still want this person back after you have reestablished your friendships, regained your independence and learned how to have fun without the one person who made you feel like you were dying a sudden death, then do it! And you can do it because you are independent enough to make those decisions for yourself again because finally–you trust yourself again.

Step Seven: Trust Yourself

Dating is hard, but break ups are are fucking terrible. I know it is hard to believe people when they say that they have “been there”, but I have really been there. If there is anything that I have learned from the most challenging break up I have endured , it is this: Trust yourself.

I cannot tell you how to live your life, only you can decide what is best for you-obviously. Therefore, you need to really listen to your gut and trust what your that tiny voice inside your head is telling you to do, especially after a deeply moving separation. Listen, if your gut says to get mad, then do it. If your gut says, it is time to go out and have drinks, then do it. If your gut says, stay inside with your dog and eat every cracker you can get your grubby hands on, then do it. Don’t trust me, trust yourself in all the things you do in life, but always trust yourself when it comes to matters of the heart…always.

However, do trust me when I say:  I am here to make sure that you get out of bed, eat a fucking meal, and laugh…laugh really fucking hard. Yes, my name is Nichole and I am here to solve all of your postpartum break up issues one awkward story, or recipe, at a time.

Step Eight: If All Else Fails

And if all else fails, just look at my cute little Hucky dressed up for Halloween, as a cow. If this does not bring a smile to your face, then you are heartless and there is no help for you.