I suggest reading my random thoughts aloud to yourself in a quiet and creepily whisper them to yourself, just as I do when I am presenting these interesting ideas to myself, looking out onto yonder. I am imagining you reading these thoughts to yourself a little like Zack Morris did when he called “time out” during Saved By The Bell, which was one of the most amazing shows of all time. Just imagine me calling a “time out” on myself, looking deeply at the horizon, while little thought bubbles emerge from my brain, as I whisper random thoughts quietly into my personal space, pretending that no one else can hear me.
Random Thought Bubble One:
I should start using LinkedIn as a means of dating. I mean…right? I can go home after a long day of work, enjoy a glass of cheap red wine, graze LinkedIn for attractive business professionals and send them private messages. If I do this between the hours of 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., as far as I am concerned, I could basically just call it happy hour. And if I do call it happy hour, that will make it seem totally normal, which will then make it seem totally socially acceptable. Right?
I think my opening line will be, “Hi, my name is Nichole. May I endorse you for a professional skill?”
Random Thought Bubble Two:
I wonder if my cats, Huck Finn, H. Keller and Thomas would like their names if they became real people for a day? Oh, I sure hope they would. If not though, I wonder what they would want me to call them? Probably something simple and mundane, like: Mittens or Mr. Kitten. So generic.
Ugh…ungrateful felines. They can’t even enjoy their birth names that I graciously bestowed upon them. Maybe I should become a dog person?
Random Thought Bubble Three:
So what if I don’t shower for four days in a row, even after sweat has been dripping profusely from my hair, after an hour of vigorous exercise? Not showering for a couple of days is just my way of protecting our planet. Right…that is it! I am not a disgusting adult for not showering on a regular basis. I am actually an environmentally conscience citizen who is conserving our planet’s water supply!
I am a water conservationist, not an uncleanly adult-clearly!
Random Thought Bubble Four:
I think if Leslie Knope, from Parks and Rec, and Liz Lemon, from 30 Rock, made a baby…I would be the result of that procreation. I would be their love child. Like the lovely Leslie, I am a mad woman who is upbeat, a relentless friend, and eager to change the world with one wickedly odd sense of humor. And, like Lemon, I am also a workaholic, high strung and tend to seek unnecessary approval from my elders.
Yeah, I would definitely be the product of a Knope-Lemon affair.
The proof is in the Meme! Am I right?
Random Thought Bubble Five:
Are dreams real? I wish they were. If my dreams were real…I would be a mermaid who is also an undercover bad-ass for the S.L.I.A. (Sea Life Intelligence Agency). In my dreams, my mermaid fins become invisible to the human eye and I am responsible for protecting the “Leg People”, which are also known as humans. If my dreams were real, I would live on a beach, in a mansion, near the the “Killer Beach Whale”. The whale is not really a killer, rather the whale is the one who flaps his/her fins so tremendously that he or she is the sole creator of the most magical, and calming, beach waves…and hurricanes.
Don’t worry, in my dreams, both the waves and the hurricanes are a splendid delight. Well, except for that one time when one of the waves killed Brad Pitt…That is an entirely different dream you do NOT want to know about.
However, if my dreams were real, my Mom would live in a one bedroom apartment with a very old Asian man, who doesn’t speak a lick of English, who she also recently started dating. My mother dating an old Asian man in my dreams would be strange because she and my Dad are happily married. And, if my dreams were real, all of my teeth would have fallen out of my head, with the wad of gum I usually try to pry out of my mouth while climbing mountains. Both of those dreams, or should I say night terrors for the latter, usually end in tears. I am not sure I would want these dreams to be real. I mean, I don’t even chew gum anymore, as a result of these terrifying nightmares.
Maybe these dreams shouldn’t come true…?