Two very significant events took place this past week and I would most definitely like to share them both with you. I met about three of my favorite childhood characters after chowing down on the b…
Source: This Week on My Life in Memes
So, when I arrived home from work last night, I saw something big and white waddling around my backyard. Naturally, I just assumed this white animal was just another stray kitty, that I would happily try to feed and befriend. However, upon further inspection, it was NOT! The mystery animal was, in fact, a possum!
—>The possum looked a little like this guy.
Like a normal person, I was freaked out and ran away from the fence, pronto. After a few moments, I thought it would be safe to unleash the beast (my dog) into the backyard to do her nightly ‘business’. Again, I was wrong. The backyard was not safe.
The damn possum was still chillen’ in my yard. And, of course, my damn dog discovered this monster, strolling through the bushes. G, my dog, then continued to sniff this animal and followed it throughout the entire backyard, neglecting my screams to return to the house immediately.
So, in an attempt to save G from a lifetime of possum diseases and myself from a veterinary bill that would leave me bankrupt, I decided to enter ‘The Ring of Marsupial’. As I ran across the arena to save G, naturally, I slipped and fell on a pile of soggy dog poop. However, knowing my end goal, SAVE THE DOG (and my pocketbook), I got up and continued onward like a wild banshee.
As I approached the standoff, I witnessed my dog curiously sniffing the hysterically hissing possum. I then grabbed my little baby G by the waist, lifted her like little baby Simba and ran her to safety like a mad woman. After I was able to safely return G to my lion’s den, I realized a few things:
1. I really need to start paying someone to clean up G’s backyard ‘business’.
2. I ain’t afraid of no possums.
3. My dog definitely was nicer to that damn possum than she is to my cats. No joke.
4. Why the hell was there a possum in my backyard?
—>This is my wild beast G, who was almost viciously attacked by the ferocious possum and she is also the beast who is leaving soggy dumps all over my yard.
It’s 6:47, in the morning, and I’m about to smash leftover pizza and chips. I didn’t even go out last night. This is an entirely sober decision.
I am clearly an adult who is making #smartlifechoices.
So, I definitely think I need a better opening line for when I am soliciting conversations with men on Bumble, which is an online dating site. Clearly, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ just isn’t doing it, as I have had at least five guys who have deleted and /or not responded to me at all. Hahahha
Anyone got any good opening liners I can steal?
—–>My friend suggested that I use the line, “Hey good looking, what’s cooking?”
I was deleted by the guy within an hour.
Last night I had a dream that all of my teeth fell out of my head, my gums were sliding off, and that I had to carry my teeth around in a newspaper. All the while, some seven year old was chasing me around a parking lot at Sears!
So I am pretty sure that is not normal.
I am pretty confident that my dog is trying to kill me slowly, via sleep deprivation.
If this is her plan, she is succeeding-wildly.
Is anyone else watching AHS, My Roanoke Nightmare?
So far, the thing I am most confused about is how easily the damn wallpaper, which is supposed to be ancient, is peeling off that freaking wall, which is hiding the letters
M U R D E
I’m Pretty sure that this IS the most unrealistic thing that has happened in the entire series.
Apparently, I do an amazing Carlton. If you do not get the reference, we shan’t be friends.
The last thing you didn’t want to know I was thinking, but now you know…
I am currently sitting on my living room floor, pounding a glass of wine, watching ‘P.S. I Love You’ for one reason and one reason only…I needed a really good fucking cry. Like, I am in desperate need of a straight up tear fest. I have been yearning for this moment all day, and I’ll be damned if I don’t produce some salty waterworks for my dog to lick off of my face this evening.
And, folks, we are five minutes into the movie and popcorn sized, salty af, teardrops are dripping away.
I am at that part of my day where I cannot decide which of the following should occur:
A.) Happy Hour, alone?
B.) Shaking my tail feathers at the gym?
C.) Going home to my ‘fat pants’ and sleeping all night.
I am pretty sure this question is in some random Cosmo magazine, which will reveal what kind of an adult I am based on my specific response.
I can assure you that I am the kind of an adult who is going to make the incorrect choice for a Thursday work night.
Let’s be honest, I mean, it is BASICALLY the weekend.
When I was 15 years old, I went through what I like to refer to as a ‘mid-life crisis’. I say that confidently now, as today I am 30. Yes, that is right, I had a ‘crisis on the mind’ 15 years ago today. And, quite honestly, I can feel that I am on the cusp of another mental breakdown, on this 30th year of life. I am 30 and I have been wildly unsuccessful in the world of dating, not knowing if I am even ready to open my life up to a mate. Today, right now, I am 30 and if you would have asked me two years ago where I would be professionally now, I certainly would not have answered with my current profession. What I would have said is that at 30, I would love to be writing professionally, or changing lives in a big way, at the very least. Rather, what I have discovered is that working as an adult is just an opportunity to practice patience, and that alcohol can sometimes be an adult’s true best friend.
Well in my case, alcohol can be a girls best friend, especially if all of her friends are shaking up with babies on the way. However, with all that being said, I should have listened a little more closely to that 15 year old basket case who had a ‘mid-life crisis’, years ago because she knew that life was not going to be a bouquet of flowers, but she knew that it was always important to stop and smell the roses.
On my fifteenth birthday, I spent the day locked inside my room behaving like an irrational, pubescent, ass-hole of a teenager. I, literally, refused to allow my parents to enter into my bedroom to even wish me a ‘Happy Birthday’. Instead, I spent the day inside my light purple, sponge painted bedroom curling my hair into tiny little tendrils…like Shirley Temple, crying in front of the mirror. Side note, Shirley Temple curls are not a good look for anyone, not even children. However, to make matters worse, I was outraged when my Nana and her husband brought over an ice cream cake, from Dairy Queen, in hopes to celebrate my fifteenth year of life. I behaved like a total lunatic, but in my defense my reasons were just, and I was actually a PUBESCENT teenager. Controlling my emotions were not my choice.
Turning 15 made me angry and confused for a variety of reasons, mostly I was confused and angry because I was a mental pubescent teenager. In my delusional teenage world, I was mad because in just six months I was going to have a temporary license, which meant I would be legally permitted to drive with an accompanying adult. I was mad because in just three years I would be 18 years old, which meant that I would be leaving the nest to go off to college, or hoping to jet set off to L.A., so that I could chase my equally delusional dream of becoming an award winning actress. I was mad because in seven years I would become a legal boozer, no longer a renegade from the law, and would no longer be sneaking alcohol from parent’s cupboards, which was 20 years my senior. I was mad, basically, because I was confused about what it meant to grow up and where my life would be someday. And, well, 15 years later, I am confused about what it means to actually be an adult, especially when it comes to love and finding a career that makes me happy, but I know that someday it will happen. I mean it has to, I am 30, shit has got to change.
So, here I am. Again, I am 30. God, no matter how many times I say it, it just doesn’t seem to be real. I know how lucky I am to be going through the aging process: alive, healthy, and kicking it, but I am only human and I cannot help but wonder, “What the fuck am I doing with my life? Right? As I previously stated, I have been unlucky in love. Dating is hard. Dating has been hard. Dating sucks. And, well, adding 30 to the dating scene, I am confident is not going to make anything easier. In a world of online dating, free dating sites, and technology at our fingertips constantly, how are people even meeting people? Lord knows, I am not meeting anyone online.
I mean, I really miss having an awkward face-to-face conversation at a bar, restaurant, place of employment, on a bus or even while on a run. I miss having a man getting my number from me at the bar, and wondering whether or not he will call to meet out for a drink? I miss not having to swipe left or right in order to meet someone. And, fuck, half the time, if you do swipe the correct way, for whichever app you might choose to use for dating, Heaven forbid someone even take the initiative to say a simple hello and continue a conversation. I miss going on a dates and not worrying whether or not a guy is checking his phone, swiping through his dating apps, looking for a younger version of the 30 year old he is out on a date with.
For example, a few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who I met on Tinder, which is probably my first problem. However, this man who was nearing his mid-thirties, divulged to me that he would like to date females who are only between the ages of 24 and 30. I should have known then that his main priority was to meet ladies for sexual relations because no respectable man who is close to his mid-thirties should be looking to date women who is a decade younger than he is. However, my point is that this man, who is in his mid-thirties has a cut off of dating and/or fucking women who are 30 or younger. Like, what in fucks sake is that all about anyways? What the hell is wrong with a woman who is 30 or over? Too much education? Too much experience? Too much money in her pocket? But, in all honesty, what does this mean for me, as a nearly found single 30 year old woman?
This year, I am going to stop making excuses on how I am not meeting men because all the men are online. There is no way this is true. Instead I am going to put myself out there. Nope, not on dating sites, but I am going to get involved with more extra-curricular activities. No more excuses. I am no longer going to go on dates with men who I know are bad for me, or want a version of someone who I was five years ago. I am going to make an effort to be more available and less shut off from opportunities, dating or otherwise.
Blind dates? Yes!
Set ups? Yes!
Networking events? Of course!
Volunteering with randoms? Tell me where and when!
Here is my thought and my new attitude towards dating and LIFE…who knows where these adventure can go personally and/or professionally? Lord knows that professionally, I am struggling. I took a job last year, that I thought would catapult me into a world of success. And if you ask me what success looks like? I would have to answer with happiness. I have not found that feeling in my current professional life.
Rather, this career change has taught me lessons in self preservation and patience, not happiness. I have learned that staying sane sometimes comes from accepting that other people are also under a great deal of tremendous stress. I have learned that mistakes are going to happen. Typos will happen, the wrong date may get written somewhere, an appointment will be forgotten, but all of these minuscule and insignificant details in life are just that-minuscule and insignificant. I have learned that accepting the possibility that I may not be right for a job that I thought would be amazing, is totally okay and absolutely acceptable. And, most importantly, what I have learned at my current place of employment is that everything happens for a reason and if it is not meant to be, it is not meant to be.
However, with all that being said, it has taken 30 years to accept that I need to be in a role that allows me to be creative. I love to write. I need to start accepting the fact that creative writing makes me happy. It makes me SO happy. And, although, I am not perfect, and again, I make mistakes, all I want to do is write. I love to write. Writing is the only job, hobby, and form of therapy that I have ever fully invested my time. This year, I will make the most of my free time and do something I love-write. I will finish the other book I started two years ago and I will finish that other book I started five years ago. No, I am not going to quit my job, but I am going to make the strongest of efforts to ensure that I am fully successful with at least one area of my life. I think that would make me very happy.
Fifteen years ago, I blinked and became a 30 year old woman. I swear that is how fast time went by, I blinked. Throughout the years, I got my license, I turned 18, I went to college, I became a legal drinking adult, but most importantly in the last 15 years, I changed. I grew up. I made amazing friends, I lost friends, I learned to appreciate my family, I failed at endeavors, I succeeded at challenges I never thought possible and now at 30, I realize that there are still so many things to look forward to and that those things are just as scary as they were when I was 15 years old. Love will happen for me someday, if not with a man, with all the love I have received from my family and friends. I know that someday, I will find the personal success I am looking for with my career, even if it is just a hobby. I just have to believe in myself. Most importantly though, what I do know is that today is my birthday. Today, I am 30, and today is the start of a new, exciting and beautiful life that I am blessed to be living with my three cats, my dog, and an arsenal full of people who are there to support me through my second ‘mid-life’crisis that I am sure to endure as I am about to embark on a journey that the 15 year old me never even dreamed could come true!
Happy Birthday to me and all of you other 30 year old men and women who do not know what the fuck you are doing with your lives, but are hopeful that whatever is it, it will matter!
Recently, for those of you who do not know, I purchased my very first home. And, I could not be prouder myself for achieving this amazing feat and doing it almost entirely on my own. The last year has been spent pinching my pennies, working two jobs, communing two hours daily, seeing my friends and family minimally, and sacrificing my sanity for the hopes of becoming a happier and more sane individual. Throughout this last year, I realized there were a lot of thing in my life that I never knew I needed: time at home with my family, working harder than I ever knew possible, crying a lot, making time for friends when there was no time, and most importantly understanding the need to just let go.
I am one of the luckiest people in the world, as I have been blessed with two parents who love me unconditionally. My parents, Mom and Dad, have been the two most monumental people in my life-my rocks. Together they helped me overcome my inability to communicate with people as a young child, they taught me to trust, to love, and to never give up. They taught me that failing is just God’s way of telling me to find another way to achieve my goals. For example, when I put an offer in on what I thought was going to be my first home and the bank denied my loan, they knew that God was telling me that it was not my time to make such a huge decision. They knew that something better was right around the corner and to have faith in myself, as I have never let them down, even though I feel like I am constantly letting myself down.
The thing is, I never knew I needed more time at home with my family. As a 28 year old adult living at home, I felt ashamed that I had not achieved as much as it had seemed that my friends had: marriage, amazing jobs, home ownership, traveling, etc. However, after living away from my family for four years while attending college and moving away to Chicago briefly, I did not realize how much I needed to be swaddled like a baby again by, not only my parents, but also my siblings. I missed them, all of them. I would be lying if I said that there weren’t times that I wanted to stab my eyes out with a knife when I was back at home, of course. However, I truly never knew that living back at home would give me the strength that I needed to work two jobs and save every penny earned, so that I could achieve my goal of home ownership, a dream that I never thought would be possible.
Working two jobs has probably been one of the most challenging things that I have ever done in my life. After I graduated from college, I had the most difficult time becoming gainfully employed due to the economic down turn our country was facing. Like many, I was barely working full time and was unsure if I would have a job on a daily basis. However, as the economy took an upswing, I still found it necessary to work two jobs. I was fearful of not being able to pay back my nearly $50k of school loans that I had taken out to cover the cost of tuition. For almost five years, since I graduated from college, I have been killing myself working two jobs, being exhausted daily, and almost having zero time for myself, but I cannot complain. Working like a dog for almost five years has given me a perspective on life that I never knew I needed.
Working two jobs has shown me what my Mom and Dad had sacrificed in their lives in order to give their children a brighter and more rewarding future. Working two jobs has shown me how blessed I am to even have one job! There are so many people in this world who would love to work and be employed, but are either not physically or mentally able to work. How blessed am I that I get to have two jobs to complain about? Working two jobs has given me insight as to what single moms and dads must go though regularly, but with children. I cannot even imagine. I complain about having to work two jobs just to ensure that I can party hard during my limited down time, but what about those people who have nothing after they punch their time clock at the end of the week? I really never knew I needed to work two jobs to feel compassion and empathy for those who have it way worse than I.
With that being said, I will say that I have spent a lot of time crying over the last year. Rightfully so, I have been physically and mentally exhausted at times. There have been days when I did not think I would even be able to make it out of my bed because I was so emotionally drained, but I did. I got out of bed. I would go to work. I would listen to sad songs on my way home and I would ball my eyes out like a three year old who did not get his or her own way in a candy store. However, I am absolutely not ashamed of this because crying is awesome.
Over the last year, I have realized how beneficial crying regularly can be for my sanity. I will cry when I am happy. I cry like an absolute loon when I am frustrated and I cannot find the words I need to express my emotions. I cry when I am sad. I’ll cry if I find a commercial to be overly sentimental, but I love it. I will say, that I have also found swearing often and aggressively to be equally therapeutic, but I enjoy a good tear fest way more than a good cuss word. After a long day of work or an equally stressful personal day, I never knew how much I needed to let myself express what I am feeling, especially when it comes to tears. I no longer hold back my tears, and I will especially not hold them back when I am sharing a conversation with a close friend.
I have always had a small group of close personal friends that I could turn to no matter what. I have a few friends from high school and a few friends from college and thereafter who I would be terribly lost without. Each of them provides me with a unique and diversified perspective on life and if I am being honest…men. However, the best part about each of these girls who have decided that I am just sane enough to be friends with, even in public, have all been sounding boards for some of the toughest decisions in my life. Each of them has encouraged me to break connections with unhealthy relationships in my personal and professional life, they have taught me the importance of understanding that my path is different from theirs, and that they can be strong for me when I am feeling weak, which is exactly what I needed this year.
The time I have spent with my friends over this last year has been some of the best quality time I have ever shared with them. In high school or college, many of our conversations would be superficial or unremembered due to a high intake of alcohol. However, the older we get, I am finding that our conversations are becoming that much more valuable. We take time to listen to each other speak, we hear what one another is saying and we respond thoughtfully. Our conversations are filled with disgusting information about each others bowel movements, children’s vomit, breast feeding, poor hygiene due to a lack of time, and how much sex we may, or in my case, may not be having. This year, my friends, inadvertently, made me realize that I never knew I needed to understand how insanely beautiful their paths are, so that I can understand how unique my path and my future can be too.
This year, I really learned that my path is my own. In order to walk my very own ‘yellow bring road’, I needed to learn how to let go. For the longest time, I have been holding on to so much that should have been let go of many years ago. Old relationships, college life, mistakes I have made, things I have said and done that have hurt others (intentionally and/or unintentionally), and regrets that I still think about to this day, they should have all been forgotten about many moons past. Spending more time than anyone should living like a troll in my Mom and Dad’s basement has given me the opportunity to become very introspective and this is something I NEVER knew I needed. Now that my eyes are open to the things I needed to let go of, I can see the beauty in the things I never knew I needed to happen this year.
I think that if I did not let go of old relationships that I was weirdly still grasping onto that I would not have been able to create new, and amazing, adult relationships with my exceptional family. If I had not let go of my anger towards having to work two jobs because my friends did not have this same responsibility, I would not have understood how blessed I am to be able to work at all. I definitely would not have understood how great it is enjoy my own version of therapy, in the form of tears. I am confident that if I was still holding on to my youth, that I would have no idea how to appreciate my friends for who they have become, instead of who they use to be, even though both have been equally wonderful. Over this last year, If I had not learned to let go of the things that have been negatively impacting my life, I would have never known that what I needed all along was to rediscover who I was as a daughter, a person, and a friend and that is what has given me the strength to buy a home, all on my own.
One of these precious days I will begin to get my life together….but today, well, today I am going to leave my clean clothes fresh from the clothes oven all over the floor. I am going to leave my flat sheet in a bundle at the foot of my bed where it has been comfortably hanging out for nearly a month. And, I will most certainly wear my already twice worn gym clothes to the gym tonight…with no shame. Yes, I am officially an adult child.
Luckily, my motto is the same as that of Planet Fitness, which is my basement life is a ‘judgment free zone’.
You know it is going to be a long day when you are not even out of your bed and you are already singing Destiny’s Child, Independent Women quietly to yourself and your cat.
Throw your hands up at me.
“I hired this guy to help you move. You’re welcome.”
-Sent by my dearest friend on Facebook, who clearly understands me all too well. She also knows that I will surely need help moving into my new pad next month, by hiring very well dressed me who also sport the proper “moving day” attire. Take note of Spike’s gloves and back support belt–top notch.
Cheese and cracker plate for dinner, per my usual. I’m not gonna lie, I am going to make some man VERY UNHAPPY someday.
This is what I eat almost every night for dinner. And…if I am being honest, I eat this for breakfast more than anyone ever should. So, yes, I eat cheese and crackers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. As I said, someday…maybe I will make some man very unhappy.
#NervousPoops #FullerHouse #BikeRiding #BlueMoons
For real, look at how beautiful little baby Nixon is with that freshly washed mane of hair! After this photo was taken, I realized that I am not the kind of person who should really be going three months without touching up my roots. Never again.
Hope you guys enjoyed this little dive into my week and the curious things that go on in my brain!
Over the past few years, I have become somewhat of a sounding board for my girlfriends, co-workers and family members who have gone through heart breaking separations from their significant others. After having a very tumultuous, on-and-off, relationship with my ex for almost eight years, I can truly relate to my grieving counterparts. In fact, I have had so many people reach out to me over the years for guidance and advice during their break-ups that I basically consider myself “The Break Up Expert” and I have created what I like to a call “The Postpartum Break Up Recipe”. The recipe contains, what I have found, to be the most efficient ways to try to move forward with your life after a break up.
Of course, I am sure that many of my findings can also be discovered in any Cosmopolitan magazine or self help book, but trust me when I tell you that I have actually been there. The pain is real. The crying is gut wrenching. The tears are whale sized. The tissues become the sea, for which the whales now belong. Not a single friend of family member has the magical words that will ease the feelings of despair, or even bring your appetite back to life, for that matter. And, as you lay there, on the floor, or in your bed, crying alone…the only thing you want is that one person, the one you love, to come back and tell you that everything will be okay, even though deep down in your gut you know that he or she is not coming back. But, trust me when I say that everything will be okay again–it will.
Everything will be okay again because you are going to get your ass out of bed. You are going to eat again and your fucking appetite for food, and men, will be insatiable. And, you are going to laugh, laugh really fucking hard…I promise. Just follow a few of my simple rules!
The recipe must be followed exactly according to directions if one wishes to achieve the most optimal results.
Step One: Cry, Let It the Fuck Out
Do you remember that exact moment that you and your ex broke up? That moment when you swallowed your stomach? Yeah? Me too. That is the first moment when you realized that you are going to be alone. The first moment that you realized that your life is going to change drastically moving forward. It sucks. So, now what?
So…now you fucking cry, let it out. The best release for a break up is allowing yourself to feel the pain. Crying, for me, is one of the most therapeutic ways to release the anger from within. Even if you are a guy, I firmly give you permission to just let it out. Breaking up with someone, or having someone break up with you, is awful. Just release those tears, let the sadness flow out of you like fountain of chocolate on a hot summer day. Purge yourself of all the emotions running through your body. Later, you will want to vocalize all of those pent up feelings that you are keeping inside to your friends and/or family and you will not want to sound like you are drowning in those whale sized tears. You will need to keep your head above water because the next step will involve you taking a deep breathe of positivity in, and a exhaling a huge FUCK YOU.
Step Two: Take a Deep Breath, Talk About It
After the feelings of total sadness subsides and the black hole that you have been momentarily spinning inside of throws you out, you will need to take a deep breath and talk about it. Or, if you are like me, you will want to scream about it. After a break up, you will need to talk to your friends about how you are feeling, or actually just talk to anyone who will listen, for that matter. People understand what you are going through. We have all been in a position where we have had to crush someone’s soul, or have had our hearts walked all over by someone we loved. I do not care if you are a hottie like Brad Pitt, we have all been emotionally hurt by a loved one. Everyone has gone through a traumatic break up during the course of a dating lifetime and talking about those feelings is the key to successfully moving forward.
Talking to others, especially those who love and support you most, will not only validate your feelings, but they will almost always make an effort to point out how amazing you are as a person. This will, no doubt, bring a partial smile back to your sobbing face. And, even better than the half smile, remember one crucial thing: misery loves company. I guarantee that someone will want to share their equally miserable story with you too, which will make you feel a little less lonely.
Step Three: Text Your Friends
The feeling of loneliness after a break up, in my opinion, is by far the worst aspect of separating ways with someone you love. Who will I text? Who will I eat dinner with? Who will hang out with me on Saturday night? Who is going to laugh at me when I say something stupid? Feeling like you have no one to turn to during a break up is absolutely soul crushing. As if it was not bad enough that the person you love(d), tells you that he or she doesn’t want to be with you any longer, you now feel like you do not have a single friend within a 100 mile distance to call. However, you absolutely do!
After my ex and I broke up, I had friends and family who came out of the deepest parts of hidden lands to support me during my time of need. I know you have this too. When my ex and I broke up, I called a friend who I had not spoken with in months because we were fighting. All it took was one call to tell my friend what I was going though and before I knew it the two of us were eating pizza together in her new apartment, just like old times. Since then, we have continued to grow our relationship, which actually made me grateful for my ex and I splitting.
My point is that if you are feeling the urge to text, call, or see the one person who just caused you monumental pain, reach out to someone else! Other people want to be there for you. People love to feel needed, so it is okay to be needy. That is what friends are for-support. Someday they will need you too, so let them give you the support you need. Trust me, you do not want to be the person who initiates the first text, call, or attempt at hanging out, after being let go from the someone’s life. The person who should be attempting to make plans with you is the jerk who JUST broke your heart and left you for an emotional death. When you are in a state of utter fucking loneliness do not hesitate to text your friends and tell them how angry you are at that jerk!
Step Four: Go Ahead, Get Mad!
Yeah, that is right! The person who you love, just tore out your heart, stomped all over it, and threw it in the trash. That person who you have told your deepest secrets to, shared your dreams with, and thought that you would spend the rest of your life with, just stole your future from you with just seven little words, “I think we should take a break”.
Who the cuss word does he (or she) think he (or she) is…telling me, “We need to take a break”?
Seriously, it is okay to be mad at the person who you thought you loved more than anything. After all, this person probably knows more about you than anyone else. And, this person has all of this juicy information on you because you told him or her because, let’s be honest, you trusted this person. Being angry is normal and you have every right to be really fucking angry. When my ex and I broke up, I drop kicked a gift he purchased for me because I was so infuriated when I saw him on a date with another woman only eight days after our split. Obviously, violence is not an appropriate way to unleash the “Emotional Beast of Anger”, as I like to call it, but I do not regret breaking that damn present. In fact, it felt amazing when I imagined his face planted all over it when it violently smashed against my dorm room wall.
Let that anger out, maybe not with violence, but rather with a really loud and fulfilling scream in your car. Then call up your friends. You know, those friends that you did not think you had because you felt insanely lonely? Call them. It is time to fucking paint the town RED!
Step Five: Following the Doctor’s Orders
Going out for a night with your friends is exactly what any smart doctor would prescribe, especially after some miserable jerk tore out your heart and sold it to the lowest bidder. You need to call your closest friends and demand that drinking cocktails and scoping out hotties should commence immediately. You need to tell your friends that the fictional “doctor” who you saw earlier that day, wrote you a very real prescription for a bomb ass time out. Listen, even if you don’t want to go out yourself, you need to do it. Trust me, I get it. Who would want to go out after not showering for seven days on end, after solely eating saltine crackers for two weeks, and having a face that looked like it has just been freshly pruned from Dwight Shrute’s Beet Garden after weeks of endless crying?
However, if you think that your ex is sitting at home crying over you and the separation of ways that he or she initiated, you have been highly misinformed. Your ex is out having fun, trying to forget about the pain, and attempting to get laid. You need to be doing the same thing, minus getting laid. Seriously though, you should be out and making some amazing new memories with your friends. With that being said, if there is any hope that you and your ex actually will get back together, going out with your pals has never been more important because you are about be an INDEPENDENT PERSON once again.
Step Six: Reestablish Your Independence
Listen to me, and listen clearly: If there is even a shot that you and your ex may get back together, you need to reestablish your independence. If you ask me, half the reason that so many relationships end is because one person becomes too dependent on his or her partner. Somewhere along the way, someone in the relationship usually starts to use his or her significant other as his or her sole reason to be happy-not healthy. So, when I say go out, go out and get that damn independence back!
Spend a night with your friends flirting with people at the bar, forget about your ex, enjoy a few adult bevvy’s (but not too many), take pictures of yourself having fun, post those pictures all over social media, give out your number, go on a blind date with your friend’s friend, and just have fun. When your ex realizes that he or she chose to give up such a precious commodity, and there is a higher bidder at the table, he or she WILL want you back…I promise. And, if you still want this person back after you have reestablished your friendships, regained your independence and learned how to have fun without the one person who made you feel like you were dying a sudden death, then do it! And you can do it because you are independent enough to make those decisions for yourself again because finally–you trust yourself again.
Step Seven: Trust Yourself
Dating is hard, but break ups are are fucking terrible. I know it is hard to believe people when they say that they have “been there”, but I have really been there. If there is anything that I have learned from the most challenging break up I have endured , it is this: Trust yourself.
I cannot tell you how to live your life, only you can decide what is best for you-obviously. Therefore, you need to really listen to your gut and trust what your that tiny voice inside your head is telling you to do, especially after a deeply moving separation. Listen, if your gut says to get mad, then do it. If your gut says, it is time to go out and have drinks, then do it. If your gut says, stay inside with your dog and eat every cracker you can get your grubby hands on, then do it. Don’t trust me, trust yourself in all the things you do in life, but always trust yourself when it comes to matters of the heart…always.
However, do trust me when I say: I am here to make sure that you get out of bed, eat a fucking meal, and laugh…laugh really fucking hard. Yes, my name is Nichole and I am here to solve all of your postpartum break up issues one awkward story, or recipe, at a time.
Step Eight: If All Else Fails
And if all else fails, just look at my cute little Hucky dressed up for Halloween, as a cow. If this does not bring a smile to your face, then you are heartless and there is no help for you.